Love and Confusion: The big question is...

Am I ready?

Am I?

I mean… I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later, it’s just that I didn’t expect it to be now. While I was feeling down I started thinking that I was meant to be like this: alone. Not alone as in “I’ll never be loved again” but as in “maybe I’m not the relationship kind of person”. Everything’s been so hard the last year and a half.

Still have some of the stuff that happened last time in my head, trying hard to get to the surface and screw my life up. Still some of his words sound loud and clear. Still I think of him sometimes. I know he’ll always think he was right and it was all my fault, and I know I can’t forgive him if he keeps on thinking that.

But I’m getting over it, ain’t I?

Wow, it feels like ages have come and gone. I gotta live the present. Gotta forget all of that depressing stuff that went on... ages ago.

Back to the present then. I think I’m falling. Too soon, too late, who knows. He’s so not like my ex. He’s brought my sweetness back, he just got through all my self-protective layers straight to who I am now without much effort.

He doesn’t know because I won’t tell him, but I’m scared as hell. It scares me the possibility of getting close with him and get hurt, it scares me that things don’t look like it’s gonna be all easy whatsoever. I’m scared of falling and then suddendly realizing that he’s not for me. We don’t know each other so well...

But most of all it scares me that I’d somehow hurt his feelings. I truly care about him. I can’t even imagine how things would be if that happened.

Oooh, no, I can’t be thinking about that. Nothing bad has happened since we met some months ago so why should I be expecting a disaster now? We’re getting closer every day, we’re getting to know each other for real...

Somehow I’ve managed to keep all that fear under control. Somehow I’ve been acting all grown up, thinking positive, living the moment, letting the good things stay with me to provide me with that much needed strength and determination and washing everything else away.

But I digress. I guess what I want to say is YES, I’m ready.

Character building or about dogs and cats. More confusion than love I suppose by Lola

One, two, one, two, one, two ... I couldn't help to have that rhythm in my mind when he was in an out. He was a nice guy, kind of squared and too stiff for me, but nice. One of the biggest cocks I have ever felt inside, he liked it a little bit rough, but solely concentrated in the genitals, no love bites, fierce snogging of any other foreplay, neither affection, or at least not in a way that I liked it, not enough and neither for long enough. Just in and out, in and out, ... one, two, one, and two. He was quiet when he came, you just could guess for his face of effort when he still tried to keep the one, two, one two, going with a hopeless and pretended hardness in his penis. Once the rhythmic moves were starting to be fun I was feeling the warm sensation inside, I can’t help this dirty talk in bed … and that was it, he was coming for sure, with no time for me to do so. When we met we had a very romantic encounter, sexless, but romantic to the cheesiest end, but it was obvious it wasn't the right time, not the right the person and also my character had been recently built. Why did this happen just now? Closure is the response, closure to a daydream cheesy experience, and closure to a lost broken heart. Nothing better than sex to make you feel better after what happened, that is what my friends say. The truth is that I felt in control of the whole thing,… and that is new for me.

Yesterday I saw Sarah walking on the other side of the street; she was stunning as usual, with a kind of melancholy that I have never seen in her. I used to adore her, she was my idol when I was younger, I was so into her that I tended to ignore her, it was probably the first time that I had a crush on a girl, and I really did not even notice. I wish I talked to her more at the time.

One of my best friends classifies the people as cats or dogs: this is in romantic relationships, not in friendships or family relationships. Dogs are affectionate, can and normally like to commit, enjoy the company of their partners, etc, etc, etc, they are comfortable in long-term or in relationships in general. And cats are those who solely feel safe when nobody can reach them, if in any occasion they need sex or affection they will grab a dog to supply their needs until they get suffocated, that is when they feel too close to the other person, hence vulnerable, and they will do everything they can to either leave the dog or make them know they are the last poo on Hearth. But what happens when a dog is emotionally injured, do they become cats? I think depending on the people and circumstances, some dogs can be so dependant that they will jump into the first relationship they can. On the other hand, some are just lost dogs in the doggy limbo, and they will act against their own nature, not trusting lovers anymore and disregarding people at the first hint of doubt, shagging people even if the they know they can’t stand their company for too long, the popular shut up and kiss me. They became mean dogs mostly if they ‘smell’ the sex/love partner is a cat. The classical sensation: ‘I wish I could quick you out of my bed right now’, (normally after sex, it doesn’t matter if good or bad).

The translation to the famous ‘you are too good for me’ is by a famous writer collect the pieces of your pride and delete my mobile no., it is just for your own benefit.

She did not reply to my email, I was responding to a previous by her, I must accept she does not want to be my friend either, was she once again lying? My friends think she does not deserve my friendship. I do not know what to do, I will probably do nothing, wait and heal. It never felt so good with anyone before, that is the problem.
Am I dog, a lost dog in a limbo or shall I become a cat?
I truly do not know, I know that all I need is love, like most cats and dogs.

Lola

Confusion: Leftovers

I met Sara some years ago. She was funny, dynamic, strong. You could tell that she was a survivor, she was a fighter. She had a fierce determination.

She had a rebel, wavy hair. Just like her personality, so shiny and wild. Waves flowing around her hazel eyes, pale skin, big smile... She said she let her hair have it's way as long as it didn't go too wild to feel comfortable with it. She thought of that as an agreement.

I was impressed by her personality and woud've loved to have a deep relationship with her, but somehow life led us in different ways and we lost track of each other after a short time. After some years I didn't expect to see her anymore. I remembered once in a while and wondered where she was but that was all.

Then I got an answer.

On a warm autumn day I saw her walking by on the city's commercial area and called her name. When she turned around I was shocked: the light on her eyes was gone. Her hair was overgrown and wild, no trace of it's shine and softness. Her skin was paler than usual, looking unhealthy. We talked and went for a coffe so we could update each other.

It turned out that Sarah's boyfriend had left her a year ago. They were about to buy a house and get married, and he just backed off. They tried to be friends afterwards, but Sara could tell this wasn't working: they somehow couldn't stay away from each other, but couldn't be close without arguing either. There was too much hurt to be repared.

- You see.... I just don't know what to do. Looks like I can't get over him. A year! Can you believe it? I get mad at myself because... how? why?... yeah, that's it, why is it that I can't just forget about him, hate him and never see him again and move on?... I... you know... this isn't me!

She was babbling as tears started falling. It broke my heart to see her like that, looking so lost and hopeless. I tried to comfort her the best way I could. I held her and said nothing, I let her cry in silence as that was the only thing that I felt I could do to lighten the pain she was feeling. She regained control after a while and tried to apologyze.

- Oh... I never thought it would be like this. All this is just so not me. All that mess, all that confusion. Sometimes it hurts like hell and the next day I'm completely numb and lost. I wonder if I'll ever get back to normal again.

There she was, being reasonable. Explaining everything lucidly, showing maturity and control and... well, just back to her old self.

We chatted for a while and exchanged numbers and emails. She was still kind of shaky but much better, she was showing that calm that comes after the storm, when the waters still move but things don't look so frightening.

As I walked away she called my name.

- Hey! Hope I didn't scare you. I just guess right now I'm... hum... damaged goods, leftovers! But I will sort things out, I promise. I know I will.

She smiled.

And there it was: the sparkle. Her eyes burnt with the strength that one can only find in the middle of the biggest crashdowns. I knew she was getting over it already. She was just gathering the forces to get rid of that confusion that she talked about.

I smiled back. Soon, really soon, it'll be all over.