Love and Confusion: The big question is...

Am I ready?

Am I?

I mean… I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later, it’s just that I didn’t expect it to be now. While I was feeling down I started thinking that I was meant to be like this: alone. Not alone as in “I’ll never be loved again” but as in “maybe I’m not the relationship kind of person”. Everything’s been so hard the last year and a half.

Still have some of the stuff that happened last time in my head, trying hard to get to the surface and screw my life up. Still some of his words sound loud and clear. Still I think of him sometimes. I know he’ll always think he was right and it was all my fault, and I know I can’t forgive him if he keeps on thinking that.

But I’m getting over it, ain’t I?

Wow, it feels like ages have come and gone. I gotta live the present. Gotta forget all of that depressing stuff that went on... ages ago.

Back to the present then. I think I’m falling. Too soon, too late, who knows. He’s so not like my ex. He’s brought my sweetness back, he just got through all my self-protective layers straight to who I am now without much effort.

He doesn’t know because I won’t tell him, but I’m scared as hell. It scares me the possibility of getting close with him and get hurt, it scares me that things don’t look like it’s gonna be all easy whatsoever. I’m scared of falling and then suddendly realizing that he’s not for me. We don’t know each other so well...

But most of all it scares me that I’d somehow hurt his feelings. I truly care about him. I can’t even imagine how things would be if that happened.

Oooh, no, I can’t be thinking about that. Nothing bad has happened since we met some months ago so why should I be expecting a disaster now? We’re getting closer every day, we’re getting to know each other for real...

Somehow I’ve managed to keep all that fear under control. Somehow I’ve been acting all grown up, thinking positive, living the moment, letting the good things stay with me to provide me with that much needed strength and determination and washing everything else away.

But I digress. I guess what I want to say is YES, I’m ready.